Indelible.

I came home a few days ago after a full day of Yoga Teacher Training here in San Francisco to highlights (if we can call them that) of the Kavanaugh confirmation hearings.


It reminded me of my own hearing several months ago in Tampa that I was present for.


Opposing counsel, their client notably absent, stood before the judge and suggested that I was possibly guilty of some fantastical things…


My attorney reminded the other several times that I was in attendance


That he could simply ask me directly, rather than “wonder aloud”


But he refused to acknowledge my presence. Wouldn’t even look me in the eyes.


And I remember thinking that I wasn’t a human being to them at all.


I remember knowing in that moment that for them this wasn’t about


fair or unfair


Right or wrong


No...


For them


This was about


Winning and losing


And carnage.


Most days I don’t even think about my still pending divorce.


Most days I’m just in the present


Moving


Breathing


On other days I’m looking ahead, dreaming of my next thing


And like clockwork, I get a call, email, or a bill from my attorney that snaps me back


And so I fire off an email asking...


“Why are we still doing this? What are we even contesting?”


And my attorney patiently responds and explains


That the problem is...


I’m asking for half of my earnings


While he believes I deserve nothing


And the would-be-comical thing is that it doesn’t actually matter what he or I believes because in Florida it’s 50/50.


It’s the damn law.


Unless...


The other person (me, in case I’ve lost you)


Says, “I don’t want 50% of everything...


I simply want 50% of what I’ve earned


What I’ve worked hard for...


And...because of the dynamic of this marriage, I unfortunately have to ask him for it.


But the answer is no.


No.


No.


No.


Why?


Because.


This isn’t about


Fair or unfair


Right or wrong


But about winners and losers


And carnage.


But I didn’t want to start a war.


I wanted to free us both from the bondage of a toxic relationship.


I don’t want to go to war


Aligned on opposite sides from a man I’ve loved.


I didn’t want to go to war.


Neither did Arjuna.


I know.


I bet you’re like who the hell is Arjuna?


Right...yea about that. Remember when I mentioned Yoga Teacher Training? Well, one of the books on our reading list is the Bhagavad Gita.


And let me tell you...it’s a must read story.


Here’s the gist.


There are two families: We’ll call them The Kurus and the Pandus (for the sake of my spell check)


They are actually related. Cousins. 


And just like modern families the last time they got together they got competitive, a bet was made, the Pandus lost the bet and as a result lost ALL of their land.


But all wasn’t lost forever. The Kurus said they could have the land back after 13 years if certain conditions were met.


Long story short...


The Pandus met the conditions and came back for their land and the Kurus were like...


Nah. 


And didn’t give it back.


So now because of this betrayal the two sides are going to go to war.


Arjuna is a warrior, the fiercest warrior, and the finest archer. He’s also a Pandu.


(I have to skip a bunch of parts...so make sure you read this for yourself)


Arjuna is on the battlefield looking at both sides with Krishna (an incarnation of God- who’s also the driver of the chariot)


And Arjuna’s like...


I can’t do this.


Those people I’m going to war against


Those are my teachers 


My cousins...


My friends…


People I love


I cannot do this.


And he collapses debilitated to the floor of his chariot


Sort of like I did in a Honda Accord, last Saturday.


Anyway...


Krishna, with the patience only a God could have for these antics reminds him of who he is:


The fiercest warrior


The finest archer


He reminds Arjuna that he and his side of the family are on the brink of extinction now,


That he’s on the right side of this fight.


And Arjuna cries out “BUT THIS IS AN IMPOSSIBLE CHOICE!” (Not a direct quote)


And Krishna basically says in response


This isn’t a choice at all…


This is dharma...your calling according to your Karma. 


Why the hell else would you be the fiercest warrior? The finest archer?


What was the point of all that training?


What’s the purpose of all of your natural gifts?


Will you ignore your abilities, your gifts, what’s right?


What is the point of being you


If… 


when its time to really be “you”


and step into your power, and use your gifts…


You refuse


To even stand?


To even fight?


Live your calling.


And so...


Watching Dr. Ford testify reliving her high school trauma reminded me of my own hearing


felt like a foreshadowing of my upcoming one


And I found myself wondering, “what’s the point?”


Like Arjuna…


Except I know the answer.


We don’t train for the Olympics knowing in advance who will get the medals…


We don’t leave abusive marriages and toxic relationships knowing for absolute certain that we’ll get another chance at love…


We don’t quit day jobs to pursue our passion because we know for sure it’s going to work out.


No…


we do all of these things because we are called to.


We are compelled to.


There’s a voice within that says, “run, leave.”


or “go for it”


or “take your shot”


Not because we know how it ends.


Because we don’t.


And maybe what we’re born to do…


what we’re called to do…


isn’t easy.

Maybe its the hardest effing thing you’ll ever have to do…


Maybe it’s standing and testifying in front of a committee


maybe it’s being deposed in a contentious divorce case…


maybe it’s firing a coach…


maybe it’s moving away from friends and family…

maybe it’s finally standing up to someone who’s been running over you for as long as you can remember…


maybe it’s this…


maybe it’s that…


whatever it is


it’s for YOU to do.


It isn’t a choice at all…


This is dharma...your calling according to your Karma. 


What’s the purpose of all of your natural gifts?


All of your training?


Will you ignore your abilities, your gifts, what’s right?


What is the point of you being “you”


If… 


when its time to really be “you”


and to step into your power, and to use your gifts…


You refuse


To even stand?


To even fight?


Live your calling.


That’s the only thing you can control, and so it is your only responsibility.


Maybe he gets confirmed.


Maybe I lose everything in my divorce.


Maybe you don’t medal at the Olympics.

Maybe you lose a friend.

Maybe you go broke.


Ask yourself this…


what have you truly lost


if you’re living and acting inline with your calling?

Live it.

Breathe it.

Remind yourself of it everyday…

Until that voice inside, leading you and guiding you to live out your dharma, is indelible in the hippocampus.





Tianna Bartoletta3 Comments